dear line-cutting middle-schoolers:

I feel kind of bad about yelling at you a few weeks ago at that seafood festival. I don’t make a habit out of yelling at kids who don’t belong to me, but cutting in line is not very nice, and you caught me at a weak moment. In particular, a moment when I happened to be patiently waiting in aforementioned line for a funnel cake. And nothing comes between me and my funnel cake, kids.

When you went to the back of the line like I told you to, you proceeded to announce (loudly), “But we were in front of you! We were in front of her!” Repeatedly. Over, and over, and over again, for all in line to hear. At first, I smiled nicely and simply said, “no, you weren’t,” but then you kept repeating yourself. Again, and again, and again. Then, well, I’m pretty sure my crazy-eyes made an appearance as I turned around and snapped: “NO, YOU WEREN’T, but if it means that much to you, go ahead and get in front of me!” That certainly stopped you in your tracks. I’m pretty sure I officially became a “scary old lady” in that very moment, but at least it shut you up.

I’m not proud of my behavior, and I learned my lesson (leave the crazy eyes at home), but I also hope you learned yours: don’t cut in line, and for the love of powdered sugar, never, ever mess with a funnel cake-seeking woman. She means business.

xoxo,
Brooke

dear excessive lane-changer:

It looks like you’re in a hurry; I completely understand wanting to get somewhere faster. But, you see, we’re all going about 15 miles per hour on this highway — you may have noticed that it’s a construction zone. When we started slowing down, yours was the car in front of ours. Every time a gap opens up in one of the other two lanes on this roadway, you skidaddle your little Volkswagen butt over there as quickly as possible… only to end up back in front of us again about 30 seconds later. Nary a turn signal to be used, either.

Maybe your car didn’t come with the turn signal option.

It’s possible that it makes you feel better to be constantly moving, even though “forward” is not really the direction you’re moving in. Personally, (possibly) getting to my destination 5-10 seconds sooner is not really worth playing the lane-changing game, but I digress. I hope you eventually arrive at your destination safely… but please note that we just passed you, and we never left the comfort of the right lane.

xoxo,
Brooke

“dear…” is a new feature on Claremont Road where I compose imaginary letters to persons I’ve encountered in my day-to-day, particularly those mysteriously behaved individuals.